Sunday, December 30, 2012

.it's not all bad.

In reading over the past posts, in trying to be truthful and finding out who I really am, I have to be honest about everything.  If I'm not, then I will never discover who I am.

My husband, my marriage.  The past posts make them both sound bad.  They're not horrible.  They could just both be better.

29 years of marriage brings it's own challenges.  Having gotten married young; only being with one man.  It sometimes makes me wonder what I missed.  What's out there that I don't know about.  And when I read "50 Shades of Grey" that's part of what opened my eyes.  I never realized what a sheltered life I had.  I digress.  For the most part, the past 29 years have been good; happy.  We have 2 beautiful children; a nice home; good jobs.  We've always taken fun family vacations; lots of good memories.  Though our daughter was diagnosed with diabetes at age 7 and we've lost many close family members over the years, there have been no major disasters in our life.  Our children grew up to be law abiding, well adjusted, adults.  Our daughter married a good man and now they have their first child.  Our son graduated college in 2009 and started his own business.  The first of this year he bought his own home and is enjoying the life that all 23 year old men should.  I'm so proud of both of them.  

So life goes on, 29 years pass and as a couple so many other things come in between.  Work, the children, the bills, life.  Then one day you find yourself with only each other.  At this point in our lives everything else is pretty much settled into a place that it takes care of itself.  Now comes the time when we're supposed to take care of each other.  But then I look across the room at him and wonder "Who is this man that I married?  The man that I'll be spending the next 30 years with?"

Our interests have changed; our beliefs have changed.  We seem to have nothing in common any more.  But he's a good man.  He's kind and caring.  He loves his children and his granddaughter.  He helps take care of my elderly mother.  If I ever need to him to something for me, he does.  

Yet I feel so empty and alone when I'm with him.  I remember the years of passion.  The years when we would spend the whole weekend in bed.  We would go out to the movies; weekend dates away; dinners; dancing.  Fun times.  Love and laughter.  Then it was as if someone just blew the flame out.  There is still love.  But it's a love based on a past; not a future.

In January 2012 we went away for a week for our anniversary.  It was the first time we had ever gone away, alone, for an entire week.  I was so excited.  The weather was beautiful.  Warm and sunny.  I envisioned a week of wild love making.   We could do whatever we wanted; whenever we wanted; wherever we wanted.  In 8 days we made love twice.  To say I was disappointed is an understatement.  As far as the trip, it was wonderful.  We had fun; we laughed; we enjoyed doing things together.  But for all intents and purposes, I may as well have been with my brother.  

Is it me?  Do I just not turn him on anymore?  I've tried everything from being the sweet, naive girl that he met to becoming Anastasia from "50 Shades" and every combination in between.  How can I get him to understand that I need love and passion in my life?  I need him to spend time with me; I need him to come to bed at night and hold me and talk to me; I need him to sweep me off my feet and make my heart beat faster again.  I want him to make me laugh and I want us to have fun.

But so much as fallen between us.  So many words.  So many hurts.  So much that can't be undone.  I wish I knew if we will ever be able to get back to that place that we were 29 years ago.  I wish I knew if we will ever be able to get to a place where we are both happy, passionate and in love again.

 "Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life; Love shouldn’t be one of them.”

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