Thursday, December 27, 2012

.he lied.

He always asked me to tell him what I wanted in the bedroom.  Yet I had the hardest time doing that.  Though as my blog continues it may be hard to believe, I'm really incredibly shy.  Even with my husband of 29 years.  I always have been.  Especially when it comes to sex.

I was a "surprise" baby to my elderly parents.  At almost 50 I still haven't been told about my period or where babies come from!  Those things just were not discussed at my house.  Affection was at a premium and usually saved for birthdays.  A hug, a kiss, an "I love you" was not a daily occurrence.  So I was never used to showing or sharing emotions.  So to be bold enough to tell my husband what I wanted him to do to me in the bedroom seemed impossible.  Wasn't he just supposed to know?  It was embarrassing to think that I would have to let him know what I wanted; what I liked.  And so our sex life was always just about average.

We had our moments.  Some good times; some wild places.  Things I never would have imagined doing.  But overall, I would have to say our sex life was just that.  Average.

Welcome to my world Christan Grey!

WOW!  Did my eyes get open and did my panties get wet!  Did people really do things like this??  I was shocked; surprised and incredibly aroused.  Is this what I've been missing out on all these years?

My husband, along with the rest of the world, had heard all the hype that surrounded "50 Shades of Grey" and he would laugh and tease me as I was reading it.  I would share parts with him and get a little "hmmmmm......" from him.  Finally one afternoon found us both in a playful mood in the bedroom and I laid my cards on the table.  I told him about things I had read in "50" and that it really turned me on.  That those were the kinds of things I wanted to do and have done to me.  I brought things into our bedroom to make it possible.  We had an incredible, wild afternoon of pure, unadulterated sex!!  It was everything I had ever hoped for.  And then it was gone.

That was over 6 weeks ago.  Since that day my husband hasn't approached me for sex.  Not once.  He hasn't mentioned it.  Hello cold slap in the face!!!!

I feel mortified!  For years he had asked and asked me to tell him what I wanted.  Now that I had, it appears it turned him off.  Though it sure didn't seem to that afternoon!  But now..... now, he doesn't touch me.  And as a result, I have put up a wall.  I feel humiliated.  I think back to the things I said and did that day.  Things I allowed him to do to me that I enjoyed.  What was he thinking?  What did he think of me?  I feel dirty and trashy.  I feel unappealing and unwanted.  I feel like a whore who has been kicked to the curb.

The scariest part is I don't know that I can ever get back the self respect and passion that I had before.  He crushed a part of me; a very important part of me and made me feel used and cheap. 

Worst of all, he's made me feel alone.  In our large, king sized bed, I am alone.  I am sad.  I am horny.  And though he is there on his side of the bed, I am alone.

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